Victoria (Where’s my ankle-brace’) Eaton (Captain)

Vic is what we like to call our ‘experienced player’. It would be an under-statement to say that she has had more clubs than Jack Nicklaus. Teams from Bolton, Bury, Preston, Birmingham and Telford have all had to put up with her in the last fifteen years, and now it’s the turn of Phoenix. She was initially voted ‘captain’, not because of the unwavering respect she demands from the rest of the team; not even because of the leadership and inspiration she shows on court. No. She was handed the role of captain because she was the only one who knew the rules of the game and she could serve over-arm. Vic has led Phoenix to 2nd, 3rd and 4th place in the league so far and is looking to lift the championship trophy this season. When not playing volleyball, Vic likes to hone her hand-eye skills by watching ‘Gardener’s World’ whilst drinking red wine: a true professional.

Claire (‘Nails’) Trodden (Wing/middle-hitter)

We are truly honoured to have a world-record holder playing for Phoenix. If Roy Castle and Norris McWhirter were around today, they would have had Claire on their show by now. Claire’s claim to stardom is that she holds the world record for being a bridesmaid! She has been to more hen-nights than you can shake a vol-au-vent at: London, Barcelona, Rome, Middlesborough – she’s dragged girls in veils around them all. Claire’s foray into the volleyball world began relatively late, however. Her first passion (apart from Dave) was hockey, a game which she still plays – when we let her. Claire is currently renovating and living in a funeral parlour. This does explain why she is often late for training, though, as she insists on wearing a top hat, holding up traffic and walking slowly down Tadcaster Road.

Wendy (‘Win at all costs”) Cattle (Setter)

Don’t be put off by the name, there’s nothing remotely beastly about Wendy. She is one of the original members of the team and her enthusiasm to win is second to none. She recently admitted that, prior to at least one game last season, she couldn’t eat because of the anticipation and excitement she felt: she doesn’t get out much. She began her volleyball life as a wing-hitter, but has now reinvented herself as setter and is one of our faster players on court (that’s not difficult). Wendy has yet to win any major honours with Phoenix, but she does possess one title: she is the ‘pick a corn flake box up with your teeth without putting your hands on the floor’ champion – and we are honoured to have her in our midst. Wendy’s gift to the team is the lyrical but excruciatingly annoying ‘Whoop! Whoop!’ chant she brings to every game. Thanks a lot.

Debbie (‘Anyone for Salsa?’) Collins (Wing-hitter)

We would all like to think we had wild times in our youth; but nothing quite compares to Debbie’s exploits during her teenage years. For Debbie controversially kept a variety of insects in a glass case in her bedroom. Yes, I’m sure you’ve guessed it by now, Debbie is our resident entomologist! Now this means she’s into spiders and flies and things that normal people would stand on or swill down the plughole. As I’ve always said, you never know when you might need an entomologist. During one match, Debbie halted the game to usher a tiny ant/spider/insect thingy off the court to safety: it didn’t have the correct colour shorts on apparently. As well as for her fast footwork, Debbie is prized at Phoenix Volleyball Club for her cool head in crucial times on court (much needed as we seem to like close games).

Lesley Gamble (Middle-hitter)

Lesley is really tall. This may explain why she sometimes seems to play as if her head is in the clouds. Like many of the team, Lesley began her volleyball career late. Having spent her school days being cheeky to teachers and beating up small people, she finally found her sporting vocation. Lesley brings many qualities and skills to the team: consistent spiking, intimidating blocking and effective digging to name but three. But Lesley’s speciality on court remains her bone-crunching, blood-curdling dives. There is a scene in ‘The Wizard of Oz’ when Dorothy releases the scarecrow from his pole and he falls with a clatter onto the yellow brick road. The poor scarecrow then spends the next few minutes putting the straw he has lost back into his body and arms. Dorothy’s worried expression mirrors that of the team when Lesley crashes to the ground during matches. All of the team rush towards her, not to congratulate her on an excellent pick-up, but to check all her pieces are in tact. It’s no coincidence that it’s Lesley’s knee-pads that are the most worn.

Steve (‘How did I get lumbered with this job?’) Williams (Coach)

Ever since his Wigan childhood, Steve always wanted to travel the world, & work with animals and children as a Blue Peter presenter – but his path of destiny has brought him to the equally challenging position of Phoenix coach (very similar skills required). Having had the great experience of youth volleyball over in the North-West and a glittering career as a player (apart from that weekend in Cardiff), Steve now brings his skills, experience, sweaty knee-pads and worn-out ligaments to York. Watching the team from the bench, Steve generally burns more calories than the players on court. You won’t find any of his coaching techniques in books. Special tactics include: bribery with Jelly Babies and shouting at the referee. As a former high jumper, Steve has vowed to clear the net with a Fosbury flop if we ever win the league & take us all to the Seychelles (lottery funds permitting). He obviously has a lot of confidence in us.

Sue (‘I’m sure I escaped once’) Fallowfield (wing/middle-hitter)

It’s worth joining this volleyball club just to taste Sue’s home-made cherry scones. Succulent fruit in a firm but melt-in-the-mouth cake – mmm! Her flapjacks are something else too: chewy, but not too full of syrup that they fall apart in the hand. The Victoria sponge she brings to outdoor tournaments is another club favourite with its home-made raspberry jam made from tender organic raspberries grown in Sue’s own garden! She is Delia Smith with knee-pads; Jamie Oliver with an ankle-support; Nigella Lawson in a tracksuit. As well as wowing the troops with quality nosh, Sue plays a mean game of volleyball. Her strength lies in the positive approach she has towards the team, and the consistent encouragement she shows to other players. Anyway, that’s enough about that. Another speciality of Sue’s is her festive mince pie (served warm or cold), with or without cream: a Yuletide must on a triumphant long journey home from an evening match.

Gordon (‘C’mon ladies!’) Fallowfield (Secretary)

Gordon is the heart, the soul, the lungs, the appendix, the large intestine and the sore shoulder of this volleyball team. If we took Gordon away, the body of the club would seize up and die. Gordon is the club secretary and when he is not filing his nails and reading Cosmopolitan, he can be found typing up fixture lists and contacting the press on our behalf. He takes his roles incredibly seriously, especially his role of referee. Looking dazzling in his EVA whites, Gordon watches over our games with poise and confidence. He is always punctual and professional and he tries hard to ensure the team live up to his exacting standards. His self-control and stoicism disappear, however, when he is a mere spectator. Then, he is wild, vocal and quite simply a danger to himself. During one particular game against arch-rivals York, Gordon screamed and flipped a forward somersault when Phoenix won a point! We love him, but he really should be locked up.

Wendy ('can anybody understand her accent?') Gate (Utility player)

Wendy is from a dynasty of top-quality volleyball players. I suppose you could say she is the Alexis Carrington of our team. Not only did her mum play the game at a very high level (she's 104 years old now - still a bit on the young side for us, though), but dad still coaches up in the North East. Wendy has volleyball in her blood. She's the player in the team who seems to know every other player, referee and scorer in the Yorkshire League. She has played the game at the highest of levels but, as I'm sure she would admit, she has never had to work as hard as she does for Phoenix. Wendy and volleyballing husband Steve (apparently, he taught her everything she knows - so he says) have two delightful children, Rucanor and Libero (arrr), who come along to watch the games. These children are typical of real volleyball kids who spend their lives fetching balls, sitting on benches and rolling around on gym mats in the corners of sports halls. Oh to be young again!